ADHD and Alternative Relationships

Curiosity, Complexity, and Growth

 Curiosity and Self-Discovery

So often, when people begin coaching, their first impulse is to reshape their relationship with themselves. It is easy to assume that what brings us to a turning point is confusion about others, but quietly, what we are seeking is a deeper sense of self-compassion, authenticity, agency, and alignment. 

The intersection between neurodiversity and alternative relationship styles is far more common than you might expect. Countless adults with ADHD find themselves drawn towards polyamory, open relationships, and kink-focused communities, intrigued by the possibilities these models hold. But while novelty and excitement often serve as the headline reasons for this draw, the story, as always, runs deeper.

My own life experience holds roots in just this desire: the longing to reclaim autonomy, equity, and authenticity, not only in how I connect with others, but in how I relate to myself.

For a long time, and perhaps like many reading this, I found myself feeling boxed in by the expectations built into the standard script of relationships. Traditional monogamy, for all its comforts, had become a space where I sometimes lost sight of my own needs, where the background hum of self-sacrifice threatened to drown out the melody of my individuality. It took honest reflection to notice how often subtle compromises cumulatively led to relational corrosion.

A transition of this nature is never truly about moving away from anyone or anything; rather, it is about moving toward something truer. For me, that something was a relational model that allowed each person’s needs, boundaries, and sense of worth to be considered vital and honoured accordingly. The vision was simple, but profound: to co-create relationships that are less about possession, more about intention, more open to the idea that love and growth need not be confined by linear progression.

For those who sense that tug, perhaps you feel both the fear and excitement of new territory, you are not strange, nor are you alone. Many who arrive in coaching do so out of a wish to build better relationships with themselves, and my own experience is a living testament to that process. Seeking fulfilment, growth, and a chance to honour both personal needs and mutual connections is not an abandonment of tradition so much as a commitment to intention. Through personal reflection (lots) I have discovered an opportunity to foster deeper connection, create authentic bonds, and embrace the kind of self-knowledge that makes every relationship, romantic or otherwise, better aligned to my needs and much more authentic.

The Prevalence of Alternative Relationship Styles Among Adults with ADHD

To begin with, adults with ADHD frequently express a natural curiosity about what else life has to offer. Traditional structures sometimes feel restrictive not because they are inherently bad, but because the capacity for divergent thinking and willingness to experiment sit so close to the heart of ADHD. There is a hunger for new experiences, a delight in nuance, and, perhaps most importantly, a desire to play an active role in shaping the contours of connection. In communities where autonomy and negotiation are central, many with ADHD find understanding, flexibility, and space to express their evolving selves. Many find the honesty and lack of judgement deeply validating and refreshing.

It is not merely the pursuit of sensation or novelty. Embedded in these explorations is a wish to build relationships that embrace difference and respect boundaries. When someone has long felt ‘different’ in ways that are both beautiful and challenging, there is enormous comfort in being among others who value the same. This sense of kinship, of being seen and understood, often provides a crucial layer of security and self-acceptance.

At the same time, alternative relationship communities often encourage transparent communication and the kind of self-reflection that those with ADHD find both liberating and grounding. The recognition that relationships are not one-size-fits-all holds practical appeal. As the stories of many clients confirm, there are few things more freeing than coming home to a space where your needs are met with curiosity and flexibility, not judgement.

The Needs that Alternative Relationships May Address

When people adopt alternative relationship structures, what they are truly seeking is not simply more partners, but the chance to meet needs in more fulfilling ways. For adults with ADHD, some needs can be exquisitely difficult to meet within the traditional boundaries of monogamy, others may not even surface until given permission to ask.

One of the first things that often strikes people is the new freedom to reclaim and maintain autonomy. No longer does one person have to carry the full emotional or logistical weight. In an intentionally non-monogamous set-up, it is possible to co-create a balance where each person retains their own identity, while still participating in meaningful, supportive connection. The daily experience of autonomy, of being able to make choices without fear of overstepping an unspoken rule, can foster a remarkable sense of self-worth.

Relational equity, too, comes to the fore. For those who have previously found themselves taking on more emotional labour, or sacrificing dreams in service of sustaining a single partnership, alternative models can feel like a much-needed breath of fresh air. In healthy polyamorous or open structures, recognition, appreciation, and responsibility can be shared. There is both space and encouragement to reassess what you have to offer, and what you actually need.

These environments encourage ongoing, grown-up conversations about boundaries and consent, which can be a revelation for many neurodiverse folk. Without the assumption that “this is how it must be,” adults with ADHD are more able to learn what helps them feel safe, respected and connected. The process of naming needs and desires can be awkward at first, goodness knows, I have stumbled through awkward chats about boundaries in the early days, but with practice, emotional honesty as a skill becomes empowering rather than intimidating.

Importantly, alternative relationships may provide more varied stimulation, both emotionally and sensorially. This is not only about excitement, but about allowing people to experience connections that are authentic to them. For someone with ADHD, who may oscillate between boredom and over-stimulation, the chance to engage at the right depth and pace is a gift.

The differing ways in which these needs are met are as individual as the people involved. One person may delight in building deeply emotional but non-sexual bonds, while another celebrates the joy of discovering new sexual dynamics. Some couples find that opening up allows each partner to express rocky sides of their personalities that would otherwise be stifled. 

Reflecting on my own journey, what stands out most is the gradual rebalancing of choices, learning, sometimes messily, how to prioritise self-worth alongside relational harmony. For readers who wonder whether alternative relationship styles might help them meet previously unsatisfied needs, I would say that curiosity and willingness to experiment are more helpful than any kind of certainty.

Difficulties ADHD Adults May Encounter

Every relationship, regardless of style, asks something of us. Many adults with ADHD soon realise that the very qualities that spur the initial interest in polyamory or open relationships, openness, excitement, capacity for deep feeling, can also amplify existing difficulties.

Take time management, for example. Suddenly, the calendar fills with not just dates and delight, but check-ins, logistical negotiations, emotional processing, and, on occasion, a crisis. The intricate web of multiple relationships can sometimes stretch the executive function skills of even the most organised person. For someone with ADHD, keeping track of commitments and emotional states can feel especially daunting. It’s possible to over commit and leave yourself short of the ‘spoons’ needed for self-care. Some call this - polysaturation.

Impulsivity can complicate things. The instinct to chase a new connection and the new relationship energy it brings may collide with the gentler rhythm needed to build trust and security. When unchecked, impulsivity can create misunderstandings or erode the consistent communication on which these structures rely. The growth here comes not from suppressing excitement, but channelling it into intentional choices, allowing relationships to unfold with intention.

Emotional regulation brings its own set of challenges. ADHD is often accompanied by intense or shifting emotions, so when more people and stories enter the picture, the likelihood of feeling everything at full volume escalates. Difficult feelings such as jealousy or rejection sensitivity are not the sole domain of alternative relationships, but the complexity of multiple connections can magnify them. Although polyamory is not a starvation economy, those with ADHD and a history of feeling misunderstood may be particularly vulnerable to the pain of perceived exclusion or being left out.

Communication, always essential, now carries even more weight. The subtle cues that keep monogamous relationships ticking can become blurry in multi-partner situations, and neurodivergent patterns of attention or memory can sometimes lead to missed messages or muddled intentions. There is much value in developing strategies that ask for what is needed and checking for understanding and alignment.

Most crucially, the struggle to assert needs and boundaries does not disappear merely because the structure of the relationship has changed. If anything, the newness can magnify old scripts: the urge to please, the fear of letting others down, or the inverse tendency to disappear when overstimulated. For many, myself included, it becomes necessary to revisit, reflect deeply and rewrite these scripts, holding self-compassion as the pen.

Emotional Regulation in Alternative Relationship Dynamics

Alternative relationships provide both a challenge and an opportunity when it comes to emotional regulation. On one hand, these structures often require adults with ADHD to navigate higher levels of complexity, where emotions such as jealousy, joy, and longing are not problems to be eliminated, but invitations for introspection.

The presence of more people, each with their own triggers, loves, and insecurities, means that emotions can spike and plummet with startling speed. Sometimes, a casual comment from one partner or a perceived shift in attention can potentially trigger a landslide of feelings. The trick, if such a thing exists at all, is not to manage emotions with an iron grip, but to support and make room for them.

Rituals and routines can provide much needed anchoring. This might be a regular check-in with partners, a written reflection practice, or simply a grounding exercise before and after meeting with someone new. Setting and respecting boundaries becomes essential, not only to protect one’s time and energy, but to establish a rhythm that supports trust.

Support is both a giving and receiving practice in these environments. Adults with ADHD who struggle with emotional regulation may find solace in the steady presence of a partner who enjoys routine, or through coaching that helps them develop awareness and tools to ride out emotional waves. Open conversations about needs and limits can reduce the likelihood that feelings become overwhelming or misunderstood.

Yet, these dynamics can also undermine regulation if old patterns of containment or people-pleasing return. The compulsion to take on too much, fix every wobble, or avoid confronting a difficult feeling can create cycles of exhaustion and frustration. This is especially true when individuals neglect the importance of rest and personal space, a need so common among those with ADHD. Recognising when to pause, withdraw, decompress or seek external support is as important as building tolerance for emotional intensity.

Through honest dialogue and reflective practices, I have found that what initially feels turbulent slowly becomes a landscape rich with insight. There is value in sharing the process with partners, in normalising conversations about emotional needs, and in inviting support without shame.

The Rise of Later-Life Exploration and Reassessment

It is impossible to ignore the growing number of adults who, often later in life, are reconsidering the assumptions they have made about what relationships ‘should’ look like for them. For those diagnosed with ADHD in adulthood, or for people reaching new levels of self-awareness, this reassessment can be profound. The dawning discovery that monogamous paradigms may not be the only way to nurture love and connection brings both excitement and apprehension.

Curiosity, sometimes held in check for years by habit or social pressure, begins to surface. The courage required to challenge tradition, and, in some cases, to share these changes with existing partners, friends, or family, cannot be overstated. Each person’s path is unique, yet many find solace in the idea that it is never too late to invite more alignment between their internal world and how they relate to others.

The journey is rarely linear. Trial and error play their part. Some may find that polyamory or open relationships bring unexpected satisfaction; others may test the waters and realise that monogamy, with its stable rhythms, holds more meaning when chosen freely. There is no universal right way, only a continual movement toward greater self-understanding and connection.

For myself, the catalyst was a gnawing sense that settling for less than authentic connection was costing more than it gave. In transitioning into polyamory, I have discovered new ways of being both alone and together, learning that more conscious self-relationship is the anchor that makes every other relationship richer.

Coaching, Compassion, and Connection

If you are reading this and recognising echoes of your own thoughts or experiences, rest assured, there is no predetermined path you must follow. The invitation, both in my work and my life, is to cultivate relationships, first and foremost with yourself, that honour autonomy, compassion, and honesty.

Coaching in the realm of ADHD and alternative relationships is not about steering people towards any particular structure. It is about supporting clients as they engage with the messy, beautiful business of growth. My own story, marked by both joy and challenge, equips me to hold space for others who are navigating similar questions or standing at the thresholds of transformation.

In our work together, I encourage clients to inspect the scripts they have inherited, to ask what they truly want, and to experiment with changes that serve their well-being. I have seen the power of compassionate conversation and practical action, regardless of whether someone remains monogamous, experiments with polyamory, or finds belonging outside any label at all.

What matters is that each of us gets to write our own story, supported by environments that foster curiosity and respect. As you explore your own questions, know that moving from traditional models of love and intimacy toward self-aware, intentional, and equity-driven practices is not a rejection of the past, but rather a commitment to personal and relational fulfilment in the future.

If you ever feel ready to take the next step in your own journey, whether that is to cultivate a better relationship with yourself or to explore new ways of connecting with others, you will always find empathy, openness, and curiosity without judgement. Reach out, connect or book an Introductory call.