Navigating Attachment: Understanding Connections for ADHD Relationships
Introduction: Why Attachment Matters
When reflecting on life’s many relationships, it becomes clear that our earliest connections profoundly shape the way we see the world and relate to others. Attachment theory gives us a framework for exploring these vital bonds. It has grown increasingly relevant for those navigating the often colourful landscapes of ADHD and adult relationships.
Jessica Fern’s "Polysecure" stands out as an accessible and insightful resource, weaving together the threads of attachment, trauma and relationship diversity in a way that invites deeper understanding, whether someone identifies as monogamous or chooses another structure.
Let’s discover what attachment theory is, why it matters so much, and how it connects to both ADHD and the relationship we have with ourselves. I’ll pull out key lessons from "Polysecure", look closely at the link between trauma and attachment, and offer hopeful reflections on how meaningful change remains possible for everyone, whatever their story.
What is Attachment Theory?
At its heart, attachment theory is all about emotional bonds. Developed by John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, it describes how, starting in infancy, humans seek comfort and safety from special people, typically parental figures. These early relationships set the tone for how individuals approach closeness, manage stress and respond to fear throughout life.
A securely attached child, for example, trusts that a caregiver will be responsive and present, giving them a safe base from which to explore their world. Insecure attachments, on the other hand, can arise when a caregiver is distant, inconsistent, or unavailable. These early dynamics influence what psychologists call "internal working models", the unconscious templates individuals carry into adult interactions, shaping how they interpret the behaviour of others and themselves.
Attachment doesn’t stop at childhood. It continues throughout life, often echoing in romantic partnerships and close friendships. The four commonly accepted “attachment styles” are:
Secure attachment, characterised by comfort with closeness and trust in others;
Anxious attachment, marked by a fear of abandonment and need for reassurance;
Avoidant attachment, involving discomfort with intimacy and a yearning for independence;
Disorganised attachment, often resulting from early trauma, featuring a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviours.
Far from being a static label, attachment style is better pictured as a pattern that tends to crop up, especially in moments of distress. And while early experiences are influential, positive relationships and healing experiences later in life can shift old patterns and foster new ways of connecting.
It’s important to note that attachment is dynamic and our attachment styles and patterns differ and adapt depending on who we are attaching to. Plus, attachment styles are not fixed for all time. It is possible to change the way we attach and leave patterns that do not serve us in the past.
The Importance of Attachment in Adult Life
The way individuals "do" closeness with other adults often has roots deep in the past. Someone with a secure attachment style usually finds it straightforward to trust, reach out in times of need, and feel worthy of love. In contrast, those who grew up with unreliable or unpredictable caregiving might lean towards doubt, difficulty with boundaries or cycles of craving closeness then retreating. (This is often a feature of ADHD relationships).
Understanding attachment isn’t just for personal insight; it can transform daily life, making sense of puzzling relational triggers and responses. For instance, a disagreement with a partner may stir up not just frustration but a strong sense of panic or need, which can feel baffling until it is considered in light of early emotional templates.
When individuals make sense of these patterns, it becomes easier to communicate, set boundaries, and find new ways to get emotional needs met.
Modern research and therapeutic approaches have demonstrated that attachment can indeed be changed over time, especially when people enter relationships that reliably offer care, validation and space for authentic expression.
ADHD and Attachment: A Tangled Web
For adults with ADHD, the question of attachment style is seldom straightforward. ADHD brings its own mix of impulsivity, emotional sensitivity and, sometimes, social missteps. These traits can interact with attachment in curious ways. Studies show that insecure attachment patterns are much more common among people with ADHD than among neurotypical individuals.
Why is this? One reason may be that ADHD symptoms like distractibility and difficulty regulating emotions put extra strain on early relationships. Caregivers, themselves only human, may respond with frustration or inconsistency, especially if they are unsure how to respond to the needs of an energetically unconventional child. Over time, this can shape internal models that anticipate relational unpredictability.
An adult living with both ADHD and insecure attachment may find relationships difficult to manage. For instance, challenges with attention can be misread by partners as disinterest, triggering anxiety on both sides. Emotional storms may lead to fleeting reactions that are later regretted. Importantly, these complications are not a personal failing; they are simply the echo of numerous factors, often set in motion long before anyone is aware of the script.
Trauma and Attachment: Untangling Old Knots
Trauma is a powerful influence on attachment. Experiences that undermine a sense of safety, especially those occurring in childhood or within formative relationships, can disrupt even the most natural desire for secure connection.
When trauma and attachment collide, a painful paradox often unfolds. The one person a child should run to for comfort may become a source of fear or confusion. This "horror without resolution" creates a push-pull between seeking closeness and needing distance, giving rise to disorganised attachment patterns.
The lingering effects of this can be seen in adulthood: difficulty trusting others, an expectation of disappointment, or even ambivalence about one’s own worthiness of love. For adults with ADHD, old emotional injuries can become especially visible since emotional regulation and impulse control may already be areas of vulnerability. Nonetheless, recognising the importance of healing these attachment wounds is a hopeful act in itself. Research now shows that, with the right support and self-awareness, even deep-rooted trauma can be soothed and patterns reshaped.
Relationships with Ourselves: Attachment, ADHD, and Self-Compassion
Attachment theory doesn’t just speak to how people relate with others; it is equally relevant to the relationship each individual has with their own thoughts and feelings. For adults with ADHD, this inner dialogue can often be peppered with criticism. Moments of distraction, missed deadlines or impulsive blunders may become fuel for harsh self-judgement.
Yet, a growing body of research finds that secure attachment is closely linked with self-compassion: the ability to treat oneself with kindness and understanding in moments of struggle. In contrast, anxious and avoidant attachment styles are associated with lower self-compassion and greater self-criticism.
Cultivating compassion towards oneself is deeply healing. It is the internal version of the safe haven spoken of in attachment theory; a soft landing place within, rather than a barrage of internal negativity. For ADHD adults, this means moving from patterns of self-blame or shame towards gentler, more optimistic self-support. This doesn’t eliminate challenges, but it certainly makes facing them much less lonely and infinitely more hopeful.
Insights from "Polysecure": Beyond Monogamy, Into Healing
Jessica Fern’s "Polysecure" masterfully explores the intersections of attachment, trauma and relationship structure, opening up new ways of thinking about intimacy. The book’s genius lies in its assertion that the safe haven and secure base described by attachment theorists can be thoughtfully constructed within any relationship format, not just traditional monogamy. In Fern’s words, a “safe haven” is a relationship where partners are committed to responding to each other’s distress, caring for safety and offering genuine support. A “secure base”, meanwhile, is the springboard from which partners can explore and grow, knowing there is a stable relationship to return to.
This insight is especially powerful for those in non-traditional relationships, such as polyamorous or consensually non-monogamous arrangements, but it is equally relevant for monogamous couples and singles. The core lesson is that everyone deserves emotional safety and the encouragement to grow. These qualities need not come from only one person, nor do they have to fit a narrow cultural mould. Fern’s reflections highlight that secure attachment is a practice, not a fixed status, and the work of building safety can, and often must, extend to oneself.
"Polysecure" stands as a recommended read for anyone curious about healing old wounds and constructing new maps for connection, whatever the relationship style or history. It is particularly insightful since attachment theory was developed within the context of monogamous relationship constructs and in exploring outside these constructs Fern’s work explores important insights overlooked in previous research on the topic. Arguably these insights are significantly more relevant within neurodiverse relationships whether monogamous or not.
Attachment is Fluid: Growing, Healing, and Changing Together
One of the most uplifting discoveries in the science of attachment is that old patterns do not have to rule forever. While early relationships and formative experiences shape emotional expectations, they do not determine destiny. Attachment style is not a life sentence, but more like a dance that can learn new steps over time.
This shift is possible in part because adult brains and hearts are capable of remarkable growth. Positive relational experiences, whether with a romantic partner, a friend, or even a coach, can foster new neural pathways and gentler internal narratives. Healing happens both within individuals and within relationships, particularly when partners recognise old patterns and are prepared to collaborate on change.
Repairing attachment wounds together, by offering consistent care, open reassurance and patient listening, creates new histories to draw upon. As trust is rebuilt, both partners often find themselves better able to weather emotional storms and enjoy moments of true intimacy.
Conclusion: Embracing the Journey
Attachment is not fate. It is a living, breathing aspect of being human, ever open to gentle revision. For adults with ADHD, old scripts of doubt or restlessness can be softened, self-compassion can be learned, and meaningful, secure connections can flourish. This journey may sometimes feel slow or tangled, yet every small step towards awareness, kindness and trustworthy communication lays foundations for a future shaped by warmth and hope.
Whatever the starting point, the invitation remains the same: compassion, curiosity and the willingness to work together can transform even the deepest patterns. Attachment is not just about where individuals have come from, but also about where they are willing to go.
Resources
You’ll find the book here - Polysecure - Jessica Fern (no affiliate fee). For me, it has been a stand out read on the topic and has left me with some personal growth work.
Also worth reading is Mark Manson’s article https://markmanson.net/attachment-styles
To discover your own attachment styles I recommend this Online Tool (I recommend Option A)
It’s fair to say that most clients come into coaching because they want to have a better relationship with themselves and attachment within our relationship with ourselves is a critical element in forging this. Perhaps, you’re looking to be a better version of you? I’ve coached many clients towards achieving this goal and if you think I might be able to help you with that, feel free to book an Intro' Call.
I'm serious about delivering value and changing perspectives in writing new and original content. If what I've written has shifted the dial for you, or made you stop and reflect, then please consider buying me some ink for my pen so I can keep writing and delivering. Let's make the world a more knowledgeable, accepting and tolerant place to live. Thanks.