People Pleasing and ADHD: How to Break Free and Prioritise Your Needs
What Is People-Pleasing?
People-pleasing is a familiar pattern for many people, especially those who have grown up feeling that approval is their ticket to connection and harmony. It’s more than just being kind or helpful – it’s the habit of putting the wants, feelings and needs of others ahead of your own, so often that it starts to feel automatic. For adults with ADHD, this tendency can be particularly strong and sometimes it flies under the radar, passing for politeness or thoughtfulness. But really, it is about much more than just getting along.
At its core, people pleasing is when you find yourself saying yes simply because you worry that saying no will upset someone. You might take on extra work at your job, even if your plate is already overflowing. Maybe you accept social invitations when you’re exhausted, out of concern that someone will be disappointed if you decline. Some people spend far too much time apologising for things they had no control over or bending over backwards to keep the peace in a group. Gradually, these small moments add up and it feels like you’re living less for yourself and more for everyone else.
Over time, people-pleasing can begin to shape your sense of who you are and how you move through life. Every time you suppress your true feelings or go along with what others want, you can start to lose touch with what you actually want, and even who you are outside of your relationships with others. It is entirely reasonable to want to get along well with people, but when it comes at the cost of your own wellbeing, it starts to drain the colour out of your days.
People-Pleasing and ADHD
If you have ADHD, the urge to please people can sneak up on you without much warning or fanfare and quickly spiral into a pattern that feels hard to shift. There are several reasons why this happens so frequently for adults with ADHD, and none of them are about character flaws or weak willpower.
For a start, many people with ADHD remember a lifetime of feeling misunderstood or out of step with those around them. If you were the child who blurted out answers in class or struggled to remember homework, there’s a decent chance you grew to expect criticism, even when you were trying your best. Over the years, this can create a powerful urge to avoid further embarrassment or censure by working extra hard to gain approval and keep relationships smooth.
Another common feature is the act of masking symptoms, which is essentially hiding certain behaviours, quirks or traits to blend in more easily with those around you. When this is done for years, it nudges you towards accommodating others’ desires at the expense of your own, simply to sidestep the awkwardness of being “different”. If you routinely monitor and adjust your actions to meet the expectations of friends, colleagues or even strangers, then it is no surprise that your own needs become a distant afterthought.
In addition, the way that ADHD impacts your executive functioning – the mental skills that help you get things done and manage emotions – makes it harder to advocate for yourself on the spot. When someone asks for a favour or your boss requests a last-minute project, you might say yes before giving yourself time to weigh up whether you really have the capacity or desire to do it. It all happens so quickly that self-advocacy gets lost in the rush.
Let’s not forget the powerful lure of validation. Few things feel as satisfying, especially for the neurodivergent mind, as a moment of heartfelt praise or gratitude. When others see you as helpful, agreeable or easy-going, it gives a genuine boost. Yet, over time, this validation can become something you rely on far more than is helpful. The pattern becomes self-perpetuating: you please people, you feel valued, and you try even harder the next time. In this way, people-pleasing slips quietly into the fabric of your daily life before you even notice.
The Cost: Neglecting Your Own Needs
While there’s nothing wrong with being helpful or generous, people pleasing as a lifestyle begins to rack up costs that are often invisible at first. One of the primary casualties is your own wellbeing. When your schedule fills up with commitments to others, you start falling behind on basics like rest, food and downtime. Your diary begins to work against your own self-care and the result is often fatigue if not outright burnout.
It’s not only physical health that takes a knock. On an emotional level, people-pleasing can prompt a slow build-up of frustration, resentment or sadness because, no matter how hard you try, it always seems you’re the one making the sacrifices. Sometimes this boils over in small, unexpected ways, like snapping at a partner for a minor inconvenience or withdrawing from friends because it all feels too much. What was meant to help others ends up leaving you depleted and sometimes even disconnected from the very people you were trying to support.
Over the long-term, this pattern can make ADHD symptoms feel even more pronounced. When you are running on empty, it becomes tougher to stay focused, manage emotions or complete tasks efficiently. The cycle just continues: more pleasing, more stress, and less capacity left for yourself.
What makes this especially tricky is that people-pleasing doesn’t always feel wrong in the moment. Often, it masquerades as ‘being the good guy’ or ‘doing the right thing’. Only later do you look back and realise just how much you have set aside your own desires, plans and needs – all in service of making things easier for others.
People-Pleasing and Self-Worth
It would be lovely if self-worth were something we all carried around effortlessly, but, for many adults with ADHD, it often feels like something that exists only when tethered to the approval of others. If your value is measured by your usefulness, helpfulness or popularity, it’s natural that you become hyper-attuned to the expectations of people around you.
Childhood experiences play a significant role here. If you grew up being told you were “too much”, “not enough”, or simply “different”, it is surprisingly easy to internalise the idea that you are only acceptable when you perform exactly as others expect. For many, this shows up later in life as a tendency to over-commit, over-apologise, or put the happiness of everyone else first.
As adults, we can fall into the trap of believing that our needs do not matter or that voicing them is somehow selfish, especially if our identity has always revolved around accommodating others. People-pleasing is not simply about getting along with others – it becomes a way to bolster a shaky sense of self-worth. Each small instance of self-sacrifice temporarily soothes the fear of not being enough but, ultimately, it can make us more dependent on external validation, rather than building confidence from the inside out.
This attachment to pleasing others can erode your self-esteem, especially when your own desires or feelings are regularly ignored or set aside. You might begin to think, “What I want is not important,” or “If I put myself first, I’ll lose these relationships.” The irony is that, by trying to maintain every connection and avoid letting anyone down, you often lose sight of what actually makes you valuable and unique in the first place.
The Role of Boundaries
If you’re reading this and noticing some of your own patterns, you might also have a complicated relationship with boundaries. Boundaries are something many people with ADHD struggle with because, while you may know in theory that you’re allowed to say no, in practice, putting this into action feels uncomfortable, if not downright terrifying.
What do boundaries look like? At the most basic level, they are the invisible lines that mark what is acceptable in your relationships and interactions. They protect your time, energy and emotional wellbeing. This might mean choosing not to answer work emails outside of office hours, declining a social event when you need to recharge or letting a friend know when something feels unfair.
Setting boundaries means risking displeasure or even disappointment from others, which can stir up anxiety for someone who is sensitive to conflict. The early attempts may feel awkward, and you might second-guess yourself or fear you’re letting people down. But healthy boundaries are not about being selfish, they are essential for preserving your capacity to function and be present in the areas of life that matter most to you.
With practice, boundaries can become a way of showing respect for both yourself and those around you. When you start expressing your limits, people may not react badly at all; in fact, some may even respect you more for your honesty and self-awareness. The more consistently you identify and honour your limits, the easier it becomes to notice which relationships are truly reciprocal and nourishing.
Noticing People-Pleasing Patterns
The first step in interrupting the cycle of people-pleasing is simply noticing when and where it appears. This kind of awareness might feel elusive at first, but it gradually builds as you begin to pay attention to certain physical, mental and emotional cues.
For some, there’s a familiar feeling in the body – a tightening in the chest, a racing heart or a wave of fatigue – that shows up just as you’re about to commit to something you do not actually want to do. Others notice their thoughts spinning, with worries about what someone will think or whether they’ll still be liked if they push back.
If you spot these patterns, try to pause before responding. Even taking a few seconds to notice what is happening gives you just a little room to choose something different. Curiosity becomes your biggest ally; asking yourself questions like, “What do I actually want here?” or “Am I agreeing just to avoid tension?” can help you better understand yourself. Instead of judging yourself for the urge to please, treat it as valuable information about what you might need.
Patterns often repeat themselves, so it’s helpful to look for common themes or triggers. Are there certain people you find harder to say no to? Are there particular situations, like work meetings or family requests, where you automatically fall into old habits? The more specific you are in noticing these details, the more empowered you become to experiment with new responses.
Recognising and Advocating for Your Own Needs
So, you have noticed your patterns and you want to do something differently. What next? Change does not require what people call a personality transplant; it is often about learning to recognise your own needs and gradually practising the art of advocating for them.
Start with reflection. Take stock of what truly matters to you and which values you’d like to prioritise more in your daily life. You might notice that you yearn for more rest, quiet evenings or time to pursue hobbies that have long been on the backburner. Once you have a sense of what is important, you can begin to identify where you frequently trade those priorities away in service of others.
Learning to advocate for your needs takes time, and a touch of humour helps. You might practice saying no in low-pressure situations or give yourself permission to use phrases like, “Thank you for thinking of me, but I’m not available,” or “Let me check my schedule and get back to you.” If outright refusal feels impossible at first, start small and celebrate even the tiniest successes. Each time you state a preference or ask for something that matters to you, you’re reinforcing the idea that your needs are just as legitimate as anyone else's.
Writing things down can be surprisingly useful. If you feel uncertain, jot down your priorities for the week ahead and review them before making new commitments. This simple exercise helps to build awareness of what you’re saying no to when you say yes to someone else. If you find talking about needs in person challenging, you might try email or text initially until it feels more natural.
Remember, seeking out support is not a sign of weakness. Therapy, coaching or even a trusted friend can provide perspective and encouragement when you’re learning these new skills. Allow yourself the grace to experiment and, when things go sideways (as they sometimes do), treat mistakes as opportunities for learning rather than failures.
Moving Towards Balance and Equity
The heart of this work is finding a balance that feels fair and sustainable, rather than swinging between over-commitment and total withdrawal. True equity in relationships means valuing your own needs as much as you value the needs of others. This may feel unfamiliar, even radical, if you have spent much of your life defaulting to the role of helper or peacemaker.
Changing habits takes time and practice, but you don’t have to transform your life overnight. Small shifts are not only more manageable, they are also more likely to stick. If you find it daunting to refuse requests outright, try offering alternatives: “I would love to help, but this week is packed; is there any chance for next month?” These gentle changes still support your relationships while protecting your own capacity.
Notice how your body and mood respond when you honour your limits. Sometimes relief is immediate, sometimes it is subtler. Over time, it becomes easier to distinguish genuine connection – relationships where your needs matter too – from those where your efforts seem one-sided.
When you consistently advocate for equity in your relationships, you’ll notice that your confidence grows. You start to trust yourself more and experience a sense of calm knowing you are being honest about what you want and need.
Conclusion
People-pleasing is a common feature in the lives of adults with ADHD. It comes from a blend of personal history, brain wiring and a genuine desire to connect with others. The trouble arises when that desire for harmony is achieved at the cost of your own wellbeing.
Acknowledging the pattern and noticing where it shows up is the all-important first step. Learning to recognise and voice your own needs, practising boundaries, and striving for balance bring real rewards. These changes don’t happen overnight and that is perfectly fine; you deserve patience and encouragement as you learn. By making small, consistent efforts, you invite more clarity, energy and joy into your life, both for yourself and for those around you.