If you live with ADHD and feel stuck in automatic yes, this article unpacks how people pleasing develops, how it erodes self trust and what you can do instead. Learn to notice your own red flags, experiment with small boundaries and start rebuilding a relationship with yourself that includes your needs too.

If you look back through your life, you may see a repeating theme. These refuges are not indulgences. They are often lifelines. They allow the nervous system to settle. They create a sense of wholeness and self connection that is not dependent on anyone else. For some ADHD adults, this refuge is such a central need that living alone feels like the only way to breathe freely.

Childhood trauma, meanwhile, refers to early life experiences of stress, neglect or disrupted attachment that fundamentally impact a child’s developing nervous system. Trauma need not always be dramatic or obvious. Sometimes, it stems from consistent emotional neglect, the absence of security or simply growing up in an environment where emotional needs were persistently overlooked. Both ADHD and trauma, on their own, can profoundly affect behaviour, mood and relationships in adulthood.

Attachment shapes the way people connect, communicate, and care, yet so often, it operates just below conscious awareness. For adults with ADHD, attachment patterns can feel even more complex, influencing both close relationships and self-acceptance.

The intersection between neurodiversity and alternative relationship styles is far more common than you might expect. Countless adults with ADHD find themselves drawn towards polyamory, open relationships, and kink-focused communities, intrigued by the possibilities these models hold

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria describes an intense and sometimes overwhelming emotional response to any hint of rejection or criticism. Some people with ADHD can find those moments not just uncomfortable, but deeply wounding and often out of proportion to the situation.

People-pleasing is the familiar pattern of putting the wants of others ahead of your own, so often that it becomes automatic. For adults with ADHD, this tendency can be particularly strong and sometimes it flies under the radar, passing for politeness or thoughtfulness. But really, it is about much more than just getting along.

ADHD can profoundly shape the dynamics of adult relationships, creating challenges that often feel overwhelming but are far from insurmountable. Traits like impulsivity, emotional reactivity, and difficulties with attention can lead to misunderstandings, strained communication, and a sense of disconnection between partners.

The love, trust and companionship of my dogs has been a constant in my life for 25 years and I wanted to share some key learnings that I think are very relevant to the ADHD experience.

Emotional expression requires trust and things start to get complicated when we anticipate the responses of other people. Of course, we want to be honest and kind yet unambiguous and usually day-to-day this isn’t too much of a problem. But it can really become a problem if one of two things happens. Or much worse both.

The first of those things is responding to the response instead of the stimulus. The second ‘thing’ is when this plays out with, or includes, big and important values and emotions. Like trust, loyalty, anger, shame, guilt, respect, honour, love etc.. In these situations responding to the response can quickly become supercharged, toxic and destructive. Personal boundaries are going to be seriously challenged.

The love, trust and companionship of my dogs has been a constant in my life for 25 years and whilst I could wax lyrical about my sheep farming days and its simple and rustic charm, I wanted to share some key learnings that I think are very relevant to the ADHD experience.